Day Nineteen November 30, 2007

Went to work this morning only to have to come home again: turned out my sniffles are actually the full blown cold; I was a petri dish of germs and mucus and got pitying looks that said “Why did she get out of bed?”.

The terrible guilt of not being able to make the after-school rehearsal, or tonight’s babysitting waned slightly when Stephen text to say that the rehearsal went  “extremely well” and Jen let me know that the babysitting gap had been filled: so much for being indispensible.

Spent the day sleeping on the sofa, having feverish dreams on being on-stage in an unwritten play and “corpsing” entirely: but revived tonight; long enough to finally start the Christmas online shopping.

I insist on being well enough to have dinner with Vox and Lily tomorrow night: I refuse to miss the long awaited highlight of a difficult week.

Day Eighteen November 29, 2007

Work wise a productive day: a Parents’ Afternoon to focus my concentration and demand my ever wandering attention. But the day was punctuated with moments of concern from the pupils who I’d left work for yesterday afternoon: their tentative ‘Are you ok, Miss?’, or ‘How was the funeral?’, or even the well-intentioned, if lingusitically challenged: ‘Life’s shit sometimes, isn’t it Miss!’ reminded me why I do this crazy job: you get to meet the generation that’s just about to take on the world; and witness the compassion they bring with them.

 And having talked solidly for two hours ( bestowing pride and disappointment is exhausting work); I’ve awarded myself a night off from the books: and a hot date with all at Studio 60…

Day Seventeen November 28, 2007

So today was the funeral, the bridge building earlier in the week meant I could actually leave work, meet Mum and go.

The church was full, with many others in the church hall. The Minister was able to do that very rare thing of balancing the sadness and the gratitude: it was poignantly apparent that he had a personal relationship with the woman he was talking about; and a clear understanding of her soaring faith.

For anyone who has experienced loss, funerals will always be hard. I’m always in pieces; in an emotional rage that all my family’s terrible pain didn’t satisfy the world.

But I was humbled today by a girl who was tearfully welcoming guests at this her Grandmother’s funeral. Neither her Mother, her father nor her little brother where there to dry her tears; she was there in their place.  I can’t begin to fathom how she exists in the world.  I live in utter fear of death presenting itself yet again at my door.

I realise that by the weekend I’ll be back to finding the trivia of my day to write about; back to  bemoaning my stressful job, my time mismanagement and the impending financial quagmire that will be Christmas. But until then; I need these moments of reflection, I need to revisit the pain of loosing my grandparents; and of loosing Daddy; to understand again why they each were so important to the family I adore; and the woman I want to become.

Our pain strengthens our humanity.

Day Sixteen November 27, 2007

If you’ve never been to a country ‘wake’, you really have little point of reference for how I spent my evening…

Imagine a warm farmhouse, filled with family, with friends, with life long acquaintances: a house so full in fact that every downstairs room has chairs and conversation. A house filled with homebaked goods, a never ending supply of sandwiches and tea pot never of the stove.  Farmers arrive visibly uncomfortable in their shirt and ties, their wives wanting to wash dishes or pour the never ending tea…

Even though it is a horribly sad occasion, it is one of reminisence, of nostalgia, of stories made better by their many tellings; it is one of love.

I  struggled to find reason or  God in this situation. The woman who the wake was for had enough tragedy to fill more than double her 94 years: burnt out of her home as a girl, two world wars, loosing her eldest daughter to breast cancer, her son-in-law and then her Grandson to suicide, her grandaughter to a truly terrible accident: too much for one woman; too much for any family…

But tonight I was humbled by their togetherness; and by the inner strength each member radiates in their warm welcome to their home. I didn’t know the lady who died very well, but her son was best man at my Mum and Dad’s wedding; and their children are the same ages as the ‘three of us’; we’ve all grown up together.

I am grateful tonight that I was able to repay some of the kindness these wonderful people had shown to me. Grateful for the memories I have of  my Daddy and my own grandparents; and incredibly lucky that I have the family I do.

Day Fifteen November 26, 2007

Built a bridge today: one of the Senior Management Team in school has been on my, ‘give a dirty look instead of sunny hello’ list for quite a while. She’s a very well-meaning lady; but her try to plesae everyone and end up pleasing no-one management style makes her difficult to work for. She is old enough to be my Mum; and as a ‘Newbie’ starting out, that type of maternal support was what was needed but seven years down the line; support was a long ago memory and patronisingly annoying a daily reality… however without either of us having to apologise (she NEVER, NEVER will- I usually do, but this time was a step too far even for me) we both got over ourselves and got on with the task in hand.

Day Fourteen November 25, 2007

A funny Sunday- one that seemed very quiet after the last couple of days filled with endless chat and laughter…perhaps it was the long drive home, or the afternoon spent doing none of the things I was ’suppose’ to be doing: or maybe in the face of new married coupledom, new parents, with Christmas, New Year and then Valentine’s Day looming I felt my sassy singleness ebb into loneliness; that a family dinner couldn’t quite chase away.

A moment of potential greatness though: Mum gave me her Airmiles number and asked me to find somewhere for us both to go with her collection: possible destinations abound…

Day Thirteen November 25, 2007

It was a lovely Saturday…a late breakfast, shopping in Ballymena with a banoffi and coffee break; and then instead of a late drive home to what would have seemed like a very empty apartment; I stayed another night and spent time with friends of  friends and their six month baby boy: more therapy.

The low point was that the dress I’d be eyeing up for a while made me look like a tank with silver sequins; a sparkly tank but a tank all the same. Do Trinny and Susannah do Christmas party emergencies?

Day Twelve November 25, 2007

I spent most of this weekend with my friends and laughter therapists: George and Melanie- we spent Friday night catching up over wine and Chinese food; admiring their wedding presents, wedding album and wedding DVD.

They’re so truly together; such easy and wonderful company; a perfect tonic to a crazy week.

I had convinced myself on the morning of their wedding that my just out of hospital swollen face (I’d a dangerous brush with vanity and stupiditiy: resulting in three days of IV anti-biotics) didn’t really look ‘that bad’: the drugs had clearly addled my brain. My few appearances in the wedding album and dvd are deplorable: young children will run screaming. It would have broken my heart to miss their special day but broke my ego to see how awful I looked living through it!

Day Eleven: Happy Thanksgiving- a PS November 23, 2007

I got to see Studio60.. and I wanted to write a PS to tonight’s 365.

It’s easy to condemn a war we can’t possibly understand; easy to be glib about political decisions made in what often seems to be, an intellectual wilderness.

Tonight’s S60 episode reminded me that there is a human cost to these wars. Not just the peoples of Afghanistan and Iraq who deal with the bloodshed and the terror on a daily basis but the military personnel who our fighting for these peoples’ freedom on our behalf.

At a wedding I was at during the summer the bride’s cousin  Jeffrey sent his and his family’s best wishes and apologies: he couldn’t be there- he was on his second tour of duty in Afghanistan. The newly married couple’s next door neighbour Aaron, was delighted his tour of Iraq didn’t start until after the festivities were over.

On my recent trip to NYC, not only did I notice the preparations they were making for Hallowe’en and Thanksgiving but also that in preparation for Veteran’s Day: their name for our Remembrance Sunday: you could purchase cards to send to military personnel overseas to thank them for the sacrifice: I was humbled by the idea.

Jeffrey and Aaron; and the people they fight with, don’t get to wax lyrical about wars I can’t begin to comprehend; they’re too busy fighting them. It seemed important tonight to thank them too.

Day Eleven: Happy Thanksgiving. November 22, 2007

I spent the last two periods in school marking Shakespeare coursework with my Ipod for company. I somehow had forgotten the simple but amazing pleasure that music can bring (expect a blog on Musical Moments and Memories coming to screen near you): and two ‘Recently added’ newalbums spiced up the pleasure. Turns out Nicky, Shane, Kian and Mark; and Lee Mead make great company for Romeo and Juliet-as Pink would say, who knew?

I may have to miss ‘Studio 60..’ tonight- the marking isn’t finished. I want a job I can leave at the ‘office’; or a crash course in time management that means I no longer have to burn the midnight oil.